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 | | | | Jul31Written by:Ted Perlman
Friday, July 31, 1998 6:00 PM  Part 1. Introduction
Once upon a time there was a big and hugely successful computer builder named Dell. One of the reasons for this success was the customer relations department, which had a reputation far and wide as the best in the business. While consumers had long telephone waits and next-to-no response from other big manufacturers, Dell had aggressively pursued a policy of treating each customer as if the whole firms' business was dependent on them. They parlayed this policy into a $9 billion a year company. They were very successful.
At the same time there lived in a small, quiet suburb of Los Angeles a record producer named Ted Perlman. While his annual income was nowhere near Dell's, he had worked his way up to a certain position in his business where clients knew that they could depend on his integrity and talent to provide the best records possible. He worked very hard.
Now Ted had long wanted to upgrade his aging 486 Toshiba computer. While it was a very good model (T4800CT) and had been very expensive when new, alas it could no longer whiz through the new music software that Ted needed to stay current in his business. He longed for the day when he could open the box and turn on a new Pentium that would run all his latest software.
Part 2. Ted Orders His New Computer
Finally, the day arrived when Ted could get his new computer. There it was, right in that day's LA Times "Dell's New Personal Lease! Don't Ever Worry About Your Computer Becoming Obsolete Again!" This was great. Dell was a great computer, or at least that's what everybody said. Now, Ted had always mistrusted mail order because, as he told his students at UCLA, there was no way to bring the product back to the store in case of a problem. One would have to mail it back, incurring further shipping costs and extended periods of time without the system.
But maybe this was different. After all, it was Dell! This was the company that tested each and every computer for days before shipping just to make sure that there were no problems. "Hmm", Ted thought to himself. "Perhaps I shouldn't be so paranoid. This is such a great opportunity." He called Dell that very day.
"Yes Mr. Perlman, we can have your new computer built, tested, and on your doorstep in 5-7 days" said the nice lady at Dell. "OK, send the paperwork", Ted said as his wife smiled in the background. She was so happy her husband was finally getting his new computer. But things would get worse before they would get better.
Part 3. The Great Shipping Delay
It took almost a month before the computer finally arrived. 29 days, to be exact. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Phone call after phone call to Dell, that's what happened during that time period. "We're sorry Mr. Perlman, we don't know what happened to your order. It looks like you just fell through the cracks" was what the suddenly not-to-be trusted Dell customer reps kept saying, day after day. That is, when they would call back or when Ted could manage to get them on the phone.
Oftentimes it took as much as 2-3 days to get a return phone call on Ted's various queries as to where his computer was. "Mr. Perlman, Dell is going to pick up the $80.00 shipping charge because we feel so bad about what had happened" was Dell's solution to the the "Great Shipping Delay". Perhaps our story would have a happy ending after all. Perhaps not.
Part 4. Finally It Arrives
The big, green UPS truck pulled in front of Ted's house. The new computer was here! "Good luck, Dell's a great computer!" the UPS man yelled out as he pulled away. "Dell's a great computer". That's what everybody said. It was almost as if Dell's public relations department had infiltrated Ted's entire existence, hypnotizing everyone he came into contact with. Even "Sesame Street" didn't get this kind of response. Everybody just loved this Dell guy.
Ted gently took the computer and monitor out of the box. "Now I'll be able to do anything", he murmured to himself as he hooked up the various cables. There, it was all set to go. He turned on the power. Ta Da! Welcome to Dell! First thing Ted did was to reset the video resolution to where he liked it (800 x 600) so that he could see all the notes in his musical scores. Uh-oh. "This can't be happening", Ted thought to himself as the computer froze to an abrupt halt. His new Dell had crashed on take-off.
Part 5. More Of The Same
The following days brought nothing but misery to the Perlman household. The computer would crash from anything: change the mouse driver, boom! Remove "Focal Point" using the enclosed uninstall utility, ba-boom!
And what about Dell's vaunted customer service? Ah yes, Dell's world-acclaimed service had obviously been replaced since Ted placed his order. Someone had snuck into the Dell factory and kidnapped the entire department! These scoundrels had then replaced the good Dell people with the bad people Ted was speaking to weekly. I say 'weekly' because sometimes it took a week to get through. One time while his clients were watching, Ted counted a total of forty-two rings to customer service. And nobody picked up!
For the next two days he tried the same thing. Still no response. So he started calling the Lease Department, since they had guided him through the ordering process and would at least answer the phone. "We're going to walk your complaints over to the tech department" was what they now said. "That way someone will call you back and help you with your problem".
Perhaps they would.
Part 6. The Help
Help came in the form of a very knowledgeable and helpful technician. Let's just call him "Fletcher". He finally had some answers. "Well, that STB Nitro video card you got there is not very good." Not very good? Then why was it placed in the computer? "Let's just swap that card out and replace it with a "Matrox Millenium".
Why, wasn't the Millenium the default card Dell used to ship with all their computers? Why had they switched to the Nitro? Ted knew immediately why. It was those phony techs on the assembly line! The same rascals who replaced the customer service reps must have gotten to the manufacturing division, too!
But a solution was being offered. Fletcher took Ted's credit card information (since Ted had to pay more money for this new card even though the old card in his new computer didn't work). Ted patiently went about his business, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new card that would solve his problems.
Meanwhile the computer continued freezing up through all kinds of different adventures: surfing the Internet, running Microsoft Word and Excel - why, it even froze during a game of Solitaire! As far as his music business, Ted had since installed a three year-old version of his music software (Cakewalk), since the new Dell wouldn't run anything else. And yes, before you even ask. That crashed, too.
Part 7. What Exit Did The Help Get Off At?
As it was for General Custer at Little Big Horn, so it was for Ted. The help never arrived.
It was over a week before Ted finally called to find out what had happened, not wanting to be perceived as impatient. "Your order was cancelled. But we don't know why" was the Dell response to Ted's calls (which only took three attempts - a speed record).
Finally Ted had had enough. He called Cathy. Cathy was one of the customer reps who had told Ted during what seemed an interminable number of phone calls ago - "Call me if you have any further problems". "Why", Ted thought to himself, "I'm definitely having problems now".
Cathy's next response was the best Ted had heard yet. She yelled at him. I don't mean slightly yelled. No, she raised her voice in the manner of a third grade teacher trying to regain control of her unruly 8 year olds.
"You're taking up much too much of my department's time! We cannot spend this kind of time on you!!!" Ted was dumbfounded. This was a whole new approach to customer relations. Perhaps this was the way Dell really felt about their customers?
Ted felt guilty. "Maybe I did take up too much of Dell's time. They do have a million dollars worth of Internet customers a day to take care of. I'm just one guy. Who do I think I am? Maybe I should send Dell an apology note?"
Part 8. The End Of The Adventure"
Ted did send something back to Dell. But it wasn't an apology. No, Ted sent back the entire computer system he had waited so long to get. His wife said softly in his ear as the Airborne Rep packed up the boxes (UPS to ship, Airborne to return - what a system!) "I'm sorry about your new computer, honey. I know how much you needed it". Ted turned to his wife, and, with a peaceful feeling all over, said "Look on the bright side, baby. At least the next computer I get will work!"
Part 9. Epilogue
At the present time Ted is waiting for Dell to honor their agreement to refund any money he has already paid. Ted does not feel he should be forced to pay any shipping for the return since the computer never worked properly anyway. And he advises anyone considering purchasing a Dell to seriously think about relocating to Austin, Texas, Dell's world headquarters.
That way they can save on the shipping costs.
The End.
PS: Ted did get a new computer - an IBM ThinkPad. And yes, it does work. Perfectly.
Tags:1 comment(s) so far...
I got a dell, laptop.
No com ports, no docking station, no mouse port, no keyboard port, no printer port, no mic no keyboard light. I mean I should have known this before I got it, but I was expecting a great system. I'm looking at getting out of this blasted lease. By Damb I wish I had read this three months ago on
Friday, November 16, 2007 5:42 PM
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